Dark Desire
Chapter 34
Zander
did his best to keep his distance from Elizabeth, but she didn't make it easy
on him. In the end he blurted out that he was tired and escaped to his room.
Once there Zander stretched out on the bed and closed his eyes, but he knew he
wouldn't sleep. The images of all the things Alcazar had done to him and let
be done to him, danced in Zander's head.
"Zander?"
He jumped at her voice and was stunned to see Elizabeth standing at the foot
of the bed. He hadn't heard her come in. "I'm tired," Zander
whispered, hoping it would be enough to send her away. It wasn't. She was
climbing onto the bed and then she was cupping his face and kissing him and a
part of Zander wanted to melt into it. To accept the love and comfort that she
offered. But he couldn't do that. He couldn't let her touch him. Zander
gripped Elizabeth's wrists and pushed her away from him.
"Please...don't."
Elizabeth eased back and locked eyes with Zander. "I'm not going to go away," she said firmly. "I'm here for the duration. There is nothing you can say to turn me away from you, Zander. Nothing you can do. I understand what you're going through. You know I do."
"Yeah…you saw it!" Zander couldn't keep the bitterness out of his
voice. He hated the fact that Elizabeth had been witness to so much of the
humiliation he had suffered through.
"Alcazar
raped you, Zander. He raped you, used you, abused you, drugged you and
violated you. All acts of a sick, cruel and twisted man. A man who is now dead
and can never hurt you again, Zander. You have to focus on that...and on
dealing with what happened and letting those of us who love you...let us be
with you and help you."
Zander
shook his head. "You can't help me, Elizabeth. No one can."
She
glared at him. "So…what? That's it? You just crawl into a hole and wait
to die? Or would you like me to run into the bathroom and grab a razor blade.
I'll help you slice your wrists open if that's what you want!"
"Don't…I'm
sorry.." Zander was shocked by her words and by the intensity of her
emotions. But most of all he was shocked by the tears that slid down her face.
"Please...please don't cry," he begged, and then his own tears were
falling and he desperately wanted to simply disappear, to fade from existence.
But Zander knew that wasn't going to happen. He couldn't erase the memories of
what Alcazar had done to him, any more than he could erase what he felt for
Elizabeth. He pulled her into his arms and buried his face in her hair.
"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry.." Zander whispered, over and over again.
"It's
okay...it's okay, Zander," Elizabeth replied as she hugged him back. And
they held each other, letting their tears wash away the pain if not the
memories.
*
* * * *
Zander
was still scratching. At times the habit got so bad that Jason threatened to
glue mitts on his hands to make him stop. Selena told Zander it was like a
subconscious tick. A way to banish the negative thoughts and feelings he had.
In his mind they were a part of him and they weren't so much an itch he needed
to scratch as they were emotions imbedded deep inside him. He was digging away
at the shame and guilt that he felt. Trying to purge the bad feelings in
search of new ones. Healing ones.
Once
Zander accepted that definition, the scratching eased up. And whenever he was
tempted to start again, someone always seemed to be around to slap at his hand
and distract him. By the end of two months, the habit had faded away. Although
the memories and nightmares still haunted Zander. But for all that, his
relationship with Elizabeth deepened. Zander wasn't ready to make love with
her, he didn't feel clean enough and he knew he wasn't anywhere near healed
inside. But things were better. If he could go without sleeping, and dreaming,
his life would have been almost perfect.
*
* * * *
Jason
knew that Zander was at a crossroads in his life. He had to make a choice to
take a chance on trusting all of them and moving on, or retreating into
himself and shutting out the world forever. Jason wanted him to make the right
choice. And if that meant pushing Zander's buttons, so be it. But before he
could put anything into motion, fate intervened. Jason was on the front porch
when Zander came flying out of the house. It was late, after midnight, but the
night was warm and the stars were bright in the sky. By the wild-eyed look on
Zander's face, Jason knew he had suffered another nightmare. When Zander tried
to step off the porch, Jason grabbed his arm. He ducked the punch that
probably would have broken his nose, then he grabbed Zander with both hands,
pinning him against the wall with his body. "It's okay," Jason
stated. "You're okay, Zander."
"Let
me go!" Zander struggled against Jason. "Please...please!" He
begged.
"I
can't do that." Jason held firm until Zander went still, his body going
limp and sagging against the wall. Jason kept him upright. "You can't run
away from this," Jason said softly. "You have to face it, Zander.
I'll help you." He would have said more but suddenly Zander's mouth was
on his and his tongue was pressing past Jason's lips. He let it happen,
kissing Zander back and eventually taking control of it. And when Zander tried
to pull away, Jason wouldn't let him. He continued kissing him until they were
both breathless. "You know that I will never hurt you."
Zander nodded, one hand lifting to wipe away tears. "I know that...I'm
sorry."
Jason
smiled. "You have nothing to be sorry for. Let's go upstairs." He
guided Zander into the house then up the stairs to his room. They found
Elizabeth sitting on the end of Zander's bed.
"Everything okay?" she asked, then she explained why she was there
before they could reply. "I came to check on Zander and when I saw the
bed was empty I....I went looking for him." She looked at Zander. "I
saw you and Jason on the porch and I knew he would take care of you...so I
came back here."
"Thanks for worrying about me," Zander told her.
Elizabeth
moved to him and smoothed one hand through his hair. "I love you...I
can't help but worry."
Zander
nodded "I’m tired."
"Get in bed," Jason ordered. He knew that Zander's exhaustion went
soul deep. "Do you want Elizabeth to stay with you?"
"I
want you both to stay," Zander requested, as he settled himself in the
middle of the bed. He had run out of the house in his light sweats, so he was
ready to go back to sleep.
Jason
nodded and shucked his boots, socks, shirt and jeans, leaving only his boxers.
He looked at Elizabeth and they climbed in the bed on either side of Zander.
Jason watched as Zander turned into Elizabeth, pillowing his head on her
chest. Jason curled himself around Zander's back, one arm draping over his
waist, his hand coming to rest on Elizabeth's abdomen. She was combing her
fingers through Zander's hair and it wasn't long before Zander was asleep.
Elizabeth
looked at Jason. "You love him as much as I do," she whispered.
"Yeah...I do," Jason replied, without hesitation.
"I'm
glad," Elizabeth countered. "He needs us, Jason. But it's not going
to be easy for any of us."
Jason
knew that better than anyone. But he had hope. "No...it won't be
easy," he allowed, as he looked down at Zander's beautiful face.
"But it will be worth it," he whispered, then he let his own eyes
close. But Jason never quite fell asleep. Instead he kept watch over the
people he loved.
THE END
