Secret

Chapter 31

Lucky paced in the room he had been assigned to. They had been at the private clinic for three days. A Dr. Thomas Weatherly had taken care of Zander. He had treated his injuries and had talked to Lucky about what to expect. As a psychiatrist, and as a favor to Jason, Dr. Weatherly would treat Zander both physically and psychologically. Lucky had answered all of the doctor's questions about what had happened to Zander. Lucky had added in about Capelli raping him and that a few other men had forced Zander to sleep with them. He had also assured the doctor that he would do whatever it took to help Zander get better.

 

For two days Zander had pretty much slept. On the third day he woke up and tried to leave. His body had betrayed him. Zander had collapsed and found himself in light restraints. He hadn't spoken since he woke up and Dr. Weatherly had told Lucky it wasn't all that surprising. He had then allowed Lucky to go in to see Zander. Big mistake. Zander had freaked out and screamed at Lucky to leave. He had thrashed against his restraints, causing himself pain. So Lucky had left. That incident had occurred four days ago. He hadn't seen Zander since. Lucky dropped into a chair and buried his face in his hands to hide his tears.

 

* * * * *

 

Zander wanted out. Out of the bed, out of the restraints, out of the facility. He had talked his way out of the restraints three days ago and had bided his time. He had rested to heal. Had forced down food he didn't want. He had even talked to Dr. Weatherly about what happened to him. Nothing specific, just general comments and yes and no answers to questions asked of him. Zander did what he needed to do so that he would be trusted enough to be allowed to dress and roam about a bit. Then he had tried to escape. That move had put him back in restraints. But at least he was in sweats and a tank instead of a hated hospital gown.

 

The door opened and Dr. Weatherly entered. He smiled at Zander, ignoring the glare that was directed back at him. "Feel like talking?"

"No."

"We need to talk, Zander."

A cold smile curved Zander's lips. "I don't need to do anything but get the hell out of here. You can't keep me here."

Dr. Weatherly sighed. "Sure I can. Jason Morgan asked me to take care of you and I'm going to do that. For your sake and for the sake of Lucky Spencer. That man loves you very much. You're hurting him, Zander."

 

"Better now than later." Zander closed his eyes and tugged at his restraints. He didn't want to talk about Lucky. Bad enough he couldn’t stop thinking about him. Dr. Weatherly had told him about Jason and Lucky rescuing him from Stavros. Zander hated the fact that Lucky had seen him all used and dirty and broken. He shuddered.

"What are you thinking about right now?"

 

Zander's eyes opened and he glared at the doctor. "None of your fucking business!"

 

Dr. Weatherly locked eyes with Zander. "What are you afraid of?"

 

"Snakes."

 

"Zander...I can help you deal with the rapes."

Zander tugged on the restraints for a moment, then he collapsed back against the pillows. "What happened happened. It's over. I'm past it."

Dr. Weatherly shook his head. "You're not even close, Zander. It's haunting you and that's normal. What you've gone through is horrific on so many levels. Lucky told me about Officer Capelli and about the other men who used you."

"He had no right!" Zander was furious and he felt shame wash over him. He tugged on the restraints again. He wanted out of here. "Sonofabitch! Let me out of these fucking things!"

 

"Calm down or I'll give you a sedative!"

 

Zander froze. "Bastard!"

 

A smile curved Dr. Weatherly's lips. "Call me all the names you want, Zander. Scream if you have to. Let the anger and the pain out any way you can. But in the end you're still going to have to talk about it."

"Why?" Zander shot back. "Why do I have to talk about it? Is it going to make it better? Is it going to help me to forget? No…it won't. It won't change a damn thing."

 

"You won't know that unless you try." Dr. Weatherly reached out and touched Zander on the arm.

Zander flinched back. "Don't touch me!" he snarled.

The doctor pulled his hand away. "Why does that bother you so much?"

"I'm tired of people touching me. Okay with you?"

 

"Does it remind you of Stavros touching you, and the others?"

 

Zander closed his eyes. "You're not going to drop this, are you?"

Dr. Weatherly chuckled. "Nope. You don't have the market cornered on stubbornness, Zander. I'm going to help you."

"Why?"

"Because you didn't deserve what happened to you."

Zander laughed and it sounded bitter to his own ears. "How do you know? Maybe I did deserve it. Hell…maybe I asked for it!"

 

Dr. Weatherly pulled a stool over to the bed and sat down. "You asked Officer Capelli to cuff you to the bed and rape you?"

 

"I'm not doing this." Zander turned away from the doctor as much as he could with the restraints on.

 

"These men that have sexually abused you, Zander...why do you think they picked you?"

 

Zander snorted. "Uh...because I was available? Because I have *Fuck me* tattooed on my forehead? Because I'm a good little whore?" The last comment slipped out unintended.

 

Dr. Weatherly watched Zander's reaction to his own words. "You're not a whore, Zander."

"Sure I am. I've been paid for sex. That's the definition of a whore…wouldn't you say?"

 

"Do you like having sex with men?"

It was on the tip of his tongue to say that he liked having sex with Lucky. But he bit his lip to hold it back. Then he whispered, "It doesn't matter what I like...or what I want."

 

Dr. Weatherly sighed. "Zander...it does matter."

"To who?"

"To me. To Lucky Spencer. And it should matter to you. You were used and abused and violated, Zander. You did nothing wrong."

Zander laughed and shifted again to look at the doctor. "You couldn't be more wrong. My life is one big fuck up and so am I. Everything I do is wrong. Every time. And I never learn either. Ask anyone."

 

Dr. Weatherly jotted down a few notes then said, "How do feel right now?"

"What do you mean?"

 

"Do you feel dirty?"

 

Zander felt tears burn in his eyes and he blinked them back. He felt beyond dirty. He felt soiled to the bone. He didn't want to talk about this but he knew Dr. Weatherly wasn't going to go away. So Zander decided to be honest with him. Then maybe the guy would leave him alone. "I feel tired and dirty and used up. Does that answer your question?"

 

Dr. Weatherly nodded. "Pretty much. I'll let you get some sleep now, Zander.  But do me a favor and please reconsider talking to Lucky. Think about how he feels."

"Yeah…whatever." Zander felt a tear slide down his cheek and he closed his eyes. He felt Dr. Weatherly drape a blanket over him then he heard the click of the lights being turned off. Once he knew he was alone, Zander let his tears fall.

 

* * * * *

 

Lucky was thrilled. Dr. Weatherly told him that Zander would see him. He also told him to be patient with Zander. Lucky promised to be patient. He would have promised anything in that moment.  He opened the door to Zander's room and stepped inside. His heart swelled with joy when he saw Zander on the bed. When he saw that Zander was in restraints, he was a bit jolted. He knew about the restraints but he also knew that being immobilized in such a way had to affect Zander in a negative way. He had even talked to Dr. Weatherly about it and he knew it was for the best. Lucky knew that Zander couldn't be trusted not to try and leave. But more than that, he couldn't be trusted not to try and hurt himself. And that was Dr. Weatherly's main concern. Moving to the bed, Lucky studied Zander. He reached out and let his fingertips brush through the dark hair. But he pulled back when Zander stirred. "Hey.." Lucky said, as hazel eyes locked upon him.

 

"Hi." Zander sat up a bit and tried to rub his face. The restraints brought him up short and he cursed. "God…I hate these things!"

 

"Dr. Weatherly doesn't trust you not to hurt yourself, Zander."

Zander nodded. "Do you trust me?"

Lucky smiled. "I love you...of course I trust you." He shook his head. "I'm so sorry about what happened, Zander. That I didn't save you in time."

"Not your fault."

 

"I want to hold you so bad." Lucky's need came out. He had missed Zander so much, he loved him so much. He could see the pain in the other man's eyes and he wanted to make it go away.

 

Zander nodded. "Will you kiss me?" he begged.

 

Lucky was surprised by the request. "Are you sure?"

 

"I'm sure."

"Okay." Lucky licked his lips then leaned in to cup Zander's face in both hands. Gently he pressed his lips to Zander's, but he pulled back when he felt Zander flinch. "I'm sorry."

Zander shook his head. "Don't be. It's okay. I want you to kiss me. Please, Lucky."

Lucky leaned in again and tasted Zander. He felt Zander kiss him back and he knew this could slip out of his control. "We have to stop."

"I don't want to stop." Zander was panting. "Don't you want me?"

"You know I do."

Zander smiled shyly. "Then make love to me, Lucky. Please."

 

Lucky wanted that more than anything. "Zander.."

"Please...make all the other stuff go away. Remember...like before, with Capelli. You made me forget."

 

"But you didn't even want to see me until five minutes ago."

Zander laughed sadly. "I'm an idiot…you know that. Please…please, Lucky. Touch me, make me feel good again. Make me feel safe."

Lucky couldn't resist. The pain that glimmered in Zander's eyes broke his heart. He kissed him again, his hands drifting under Zander's tank top. He felt the lean body tremble at his touch. He heard Zander whimper as Lucky's hand brushed over his crotch.

"Release me, Lucky. Please…I want to touch you. I need to touch you."

 

"God…Zander…" Lucky was torn. But he saw the desire in Zander's eyes and he gave in to his own. He undid the restraints and felt Zander's hands roving over him. He moaned as pleasure washed over him. It had been too long since he had felt like this. Too long without Zander in his arms.

Zander suddenly pulled away. "Wait…wait." He pushed Lucky off him and slid off the bed. "Let me undress for you."

Lucky nodded, feeling his mouth go dry as Zander stood in the middle of the room and stripped off his tank top. Then he saw Zander move towards the door. "What are you doing?"

 

"Locking the door. We don't want any interruptions."

"Zander..." Even as he spoke, reality hit Lucky like a two by four. The door didn't lock from the inside and Zander would do that. He was moving off the bed even as Zander was yanking the door open. Lucky leaped for him and tackled him to the floor. He pinned Zander beneath him. "You were using sex to try and leave," Lucky hissed, accusingly.

 

Zander glared at him. "So what? Using sex to get what I want is what I do best. Get used to it. Hell…you fell for it."

 

Lucky stood up, drawing Zander up with him. He moved him towards the bed but Zander resisted. Finally Lucky hauled him over his shoulder then dumped him on the bed. It wasn't easy but he got one of Zander's wrists back in the restraints and then he went to work on the other side.

 

"No! NO! Don't…please. Lucky...please!" Zander begged.

"I'm sorry." Lucky did his best to tune out Zander's pleas. He had to do this. Zander needed help. When he was done he pulled back just in time to miss being kicked as Zander lashed out. "I really am sorry," Lucky whispered.

Zander glared at him. "Bastard! I hate you!"

 

Lucky shook his head. "No...you don't."

"I do! I hate you. Leave me alone! Do you hear me? I want you to leave me alone!"

 

"I can't do that." Lucky reached out and tangled his fingers in Zander's hair, making him look at him. "I love you, Zander. I love you with everything I am. Everything I have."

 

Zander trembled and his voice choked on a sob. He couldn't look at Lucky as he whispered, "I don't love you."

 

Lucky felt a tear slide down his face. "Look me in the eye and tell me that you don't love me."

 

"Leave me alone," Zander whispered, misery in his tone.

 

"Tell me," Lucky ordered.

Zander's eyes lifted and he held Lucky's gave. But then he shook his head.

 

Lucky felt another tear fall. "Tell me you don't love me, Zander. Say it."

 

"I love you too much," Zander breathed, then his own tears began to fall.

  

 

Chapter 32